ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
