I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
What a dumb baby whore.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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