I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
