You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
