I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
