When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
