dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
