Just cropdusted the office
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
