Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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