Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
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The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
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I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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