i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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