i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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