in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
