I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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