Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
