i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
