i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Randomize