just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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