my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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