Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
