The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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