the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
