If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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