i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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