My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
