oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
