I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
