I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
