I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
