I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
