It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
