You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
