dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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