I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
