I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
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God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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