And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
