How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
of course. lets lasso hookers.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
