Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
