My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Randomize
