we made out on top of his cat.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
