There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
is wine microwaveable?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
