i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Actions speak louder than pants.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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