I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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