My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
