I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
