Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
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I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
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somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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