Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???