There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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