My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
