I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
