If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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