you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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