This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
