He asked to "fluff my boner.."
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
