Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
